I swear it's not me......it's the words......

One day, while in LA Traffic, the car in front of me had this unusual sticker on the back window.  I started sounding it out slowly.....Ma Moth....Ma - MMoth....I was thinking, "what the hell"?  Then it dawned on me, that they were fans of skiing...........so embarrassing...and it was just me in the car with me.......

Just the other day, I was browsing through a friends movie shelf, when I came across a movie called A linens, I was thinking I've never seen that one before........then it dawned on me, that it wasn't about fabric....pure horror overwhelmed me.

Let me know if you don't get it...it will make me feel so much better....LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!

Swapping Stories About Sin……

I went to church for the first time in over thirty years with my mother and two kids. When communion came around, my mom passed the bucket to my daughter who passed it to me. The bucket contained what at first glance looked like coffee creamers filled with red liquid.  My daughter started asking me in a loud whisper, “Mommy, what is this?”  Well, I didn’t want to say, it’s the blood of Christ to my seven year old, so I said I didn’t know, sweetie, we'll find out later.  She then turned around to my mom and said, “she doesn’t know”, my mom proceeds to say, (louder than my daughter), “tell her it’s wine!!!! She’ll drink it if it’s wine!!!!”

OMG, I wanted to die!!!!!!

It all started because her shoes were too big.....

It all started because her shoes were too big.  One of my dearest friends on earth asked me to go to a singles party.  We asked my boyfriend at the time to come with as a chaperone.  The party was out of town so we decided to make a weekend of it. 

That Saturday night, we got all dressed up for what was supposed to be an interesting and fun night of Christmas festivities and folly.  As I put the finishing touches of my party outfit on, I realized I had forgotten my heels.  The only other shoes I brought with me were white tennis shoes, but those simply would not do.  My only other alternative was to “stuff” my girlfriends extra pair of size 9 boots with toilet paper so that my size 7 feet could fit in them. The heels were a lot higher than I’m use to, but they worked with the outfit. I could live with that.

As we entered the party we realized it was going to be a strange night, each one of us wanted to bolt out of the door on instinct alone.  But because we had driven all that way, got all gussied up, and rented a hotel room, we stayed and set out to have fun. 

The air was full of awkward holiday singleness.  It felt like a high school dance, boys on one side, girls on the other, and NO ONE on the dance floor.  As it is my nature, and I wasn’t there to meet anyone….I gleefully said yes, when an older gentleman asked me to dance.  Well, I got my boogie on, and when “Brick House” came on I started getting overly “jiggy” with it.  I did the, “ how low can you go” thing, and when I really got low, gravity, no lean muscle mass, and my too big of shoes, made me lose my balance. With arms waving in a backward circular motion…….I fell on my back.  I lay there like a turtle, unable to get up, while Rick James sang, and colored spots of light from the disco ball whirled around. 

It was like slow motion, I couldn’t contain my laughter, my friends helped me up and the older gentleman thanked me for the dance.  I decided to sit down and have a drink.  My boyfriend brought me bottled water that  I eagerly took out of his hands.  What I didn’t realize is that he had already taken off the lid.  I did a toast gesture to thank him, and as the bottle went into the air, so did a quarter of its water, which of course landed on my face.  Everyone at the table, let out a collective, “OH shit”.  I was still fresh of embarrassment from doing the turtle dance, and now I was blinded by my mascara and water.  It just couldn’t get any worse.  So I shrugged it off, tried to fix what was left of my makeup and decided to check out the holiday foods.  Cakes, cookies, and confections of every kind were there for all to enjoy.  I found one of my favorite food groups….rice crispy treats in the shape of a green Christmas tree, with miniature red M&Ms adorning it like ornaments.  Oh happy day!  I ate two at the table and took one to go mingle with…I talked with all sorts of people, and eventually made my way back to my friends.  As I approached them, I saw them looking at me strangely, they again broke out into hysterical laughter…..They wouldn’t tell me what was so funny, they just said to go to the bathroom.  When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t BELIEVE this was my life.  The green food coloring in the Christmas tree rice crispy, had bled into my lips, teeth, tongue, gums and the fine little lines around my mouth!!!!!! It looked like the hulk had crawled into my mouth……I had talked to strangers for at least thirty minutes with a GREEN mouth!!!!  I tried to get rid of the dark green stains with a paper towel, but couldn’t.  I walked out of the bathroom utterly spent, and said, “I’m done” Gotta go…and so I wobbled out, like a green mouthed, burnt out prom queen……only to laugh in retrospect.  That is so my life.

The Saga Continues......

And another artist friend asked, if I was separated at birth......

No More Monkey Business

Valentine's day 2007

I was working at Universal Animation on Curious George 2.   I decided to send out a MASS email to EVERYONE and their mother, with a cute sexy pic of me blowing you a kiss, wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day.  I thought it was cute, perhaps a little full of myself, but hey, it's not everyday you take a good picture.  Next thing I know I receive a response back from one of the artists on the show.  And here's the important part, he hit "reply all".  Then he attached this pic......need I say more.........Thank's Scott....still love ya.

The First Of Many.......

I've decided to let my stories roll off my tongue in any way they spew out.  At one point, I wanted to organize them by numbers, from the earliest memories of embarrassment to moments that happened this morning.  I then wanted to categorize them into facets of my life, i.e., dating, foot in mouth, mishaps in sports......But that felt too contrived, so that brought me full circle to just sharing.

When I think of some of thee more horrific moments in my life, this one comes to mind.

In my early twenties, the Los Angeles based weekly publication The LA Weekly had dating ads in the back of the paper.  In those days, that was our E-Harmony.  I set myself up on a blind date and met him at a trendy coffee shop on Ventura Blvd.  After drinking as much coffee as we could stand, we decided to walk along the boulevard and window shop...small talk and awkwardness was starting to wane, when all of a sudden I got shot in the back!!!! Well I thought I did at the time.....it hurt and there was a loud pop sound, when I realized I wasn't dead, my blind date and I saw the egg yolk dripping down my back with bits of egg shells everywhere.  At this point, I would have rather been shot. Yes folks, I got "egged" on a blind date.....I vaguely remember the howling laughter of the teenagers as they drove off.  Tears started to puddle in my eyes at the same time my date started to uncontrollably laugh.  That was enough for me, I hopped in my car and sped back to my roomate.  I was in such a state, she thought I had been raped.  She was about to call the police when I sobbed the story to her.....she of course started to uncontrollably laugh........