It all started because her shoes were too big. One of my dearest friends on earth asked me to go to a singles party. We asked my boyfriend at the time to come with as a chaperone. The party was out of town so we decided to make a weekend of it.
That Saturday night, we got all dressed up for what was supposed to be an interesting and fun night of Christmas festivities and folly. As I put the finishing touches of my party outfit on, I realized I had forgotten my heels. The only other shoes I brought with me were white tennis shoes, but those simply would not do. My only other alternative was to “stuff” my girlfriends extra pair of size 9 boots with toilet paper so that my size 7 feet could fit in them. The heels were a lot higher than I’m use to, but they worked with the outfit. I could live with that.
As we entered the party we realized it was going to be a strange night, each one of us wanted to bolt out of the door on instinct alone. But because we had driven all that way, got all gussied up, and rented a hotel room, we stayed and set out to have fun.
The air was full of awkward holiday singleness. It felt like a high school dance, boys on one side, girls on the other, and NO ONE on the dance floor. As it is my nature, and I wasn’t there to meet anyone….I gleefully said yes, when an older gentleman asked me to dance. Well, I got my boogie on, and when “Brick House” came on I started getting overly “jiggy” with it. I did the, “ how low can you go” thing, and when I really got low, gravity, no lean muscle mass, and my too big of shoes, made me lose my balance. With arms waving in a backward circular motion…….I fell on my back. I lay there like a turtle, unable to get up, while Rick James sang, and colored spots of light from the disco ball whirled around.
It was like slow motion, I couldn’t contain my laughter, my friends helped me up and the older gentleman thanked me for the dance. I decided to sit down and have a drink. My boyfriend brought me bottled water that I eagerly took out of his hands. What I didn’t realize is that he had already taken off the lid. I did a toast gesture to thank him, and as the bottle went into the air, so did a quarter of its water, which of course landed on my face. Everyone at the table, let out a collective, “OH shit”. I was still fresh of embarrassment from doing the turtle dance, and now I was blinded by my mascara and water. It just couldn’t get any worse. So I shrugged it off, tried to fix what was left of my makeup and decided to check out the holiday foods. Cakes, cookies, and confections of every kind were there for all to enjoy. I found one of my favorite food groups….rice crispy treats in the shape of a green Christmas tree, with miniature red M&Ms adorning it like ornaments. Oh happy day! I ate two at the table and took one to go mingle with…I talked with all sorts of people, and eventually made my way back to my friends. As I approached them, I saw them looking at me strangely, they again broke out into hysterical laughter…..They wouldn’t tell me what was so funny, they just said to go to the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t BELIEVE this was my life. The green food coloring in the Christmas tree rice crispy, had bled into my lips, teeth, tongue, gums and the fine little lines around my mouth!!!!!! It looked like the hulk had crawled into my mouth……I had talked to strangers for at least thirty minutes with a GREEN mouth!!!! I tried to get rid of the dark green stains with a paper towel, but couldn’t. I walked out of the bathroom utterly spent, and said, “I’m done” Gotta go…and so I wobbled out, like a green mouthed, burnt out prom queen……only to laugh in retrospect. That is so my life.